5: Reflection

Another week has ended and here I am again. Not sure where to start for this blog, so lets just write and see where I end up.
Shrooms! Every time I do them, a mere six-hour trip seems like a whole other lifetime to me. These drugs really make lose a sense of time. I stare at a clock, I realize what time it is, then the clock starts swirling and a billion other thoughts explode into my head. Next thing you know, I decide to stare at the clock again, I see the numbers in front of me but the amount of time that’s passed by doesn’t register. A billion more thoughts rush back into my head and I looked up to see that I am in a room full of paintings. Surprise! Personally, shrooms really amplify everything around me, whether I am more aware or I am imaging myself to be more aware I notice myself thinking about everything. I pick up on the conversations around me, people’s facial features, people’s tones and even their body language. It’s a weird thought. Also everything moves around me, literally everything. So maybe its just my confused sense that putting all these thoughts in my head and I am not really picking up on anything around me. I mean I forgot about the concept of eating for a whole 4 hours. I saw my friends getting a crepe and they even fed me a bite, but none of that registered. Everything I saw just seemed like a car driving past me, you watched it come in view, observed the details of the car during the moments it resided in front of you and then watched it drive away without ever giving it a second though. What a drug eh?
With that being said, the lack of sense of time really likes you ponder everything in your life, every small detail from existentialism thoughts to “wow how cool is that painting in front of me?”. Its reflection in a sense, and reflecting back on the last months of this co-op term I’ve really be made aware of my own flaws more than anything else. My lack of self-control, lack of focus, lack of attention to detail and shitty work ethic. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself, I just think that writing them out will help make me more accountable in my attempt to change them from here on out. I’ve made a lot of questionable decisions monetary wise and I’ve finally started to calm the fuck down about it. Having what seemed like financial freedom lead to a frantic craze of consumption. And suddenly I found myself asking my parents for money. Then it really hit me. I’ve got to stop this madness. It’s a slow process, but I’ve started budgeting, with an initial thousand-dollar monthly budget, I am going to be much more conscious of what I spend money on and make more rationale decisions instead of impulse buying.
Moving on to my lack of attention to detail. I am still not sure how to fix it. Double check my work, triple check my work, or “just give a fuck” says my supervisor. This flaw seems much harder to fix currently as I haven’t hit a rock bottom yet. That’s a scary thought, at least with my crazed consumption I didn’t notice until the last second, but now that I am aware of my downward spiral, I am freaking out a little and it’s going to keep spiralling down until I find a way to crawl myself back up. This will be my focus next week.
And that’s a wrap on this chapter of my life.
Note to self: work on transitions and conclusions… till next time!
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