Resentment

I am not the type of person who explicitly gets mad and then forgets about it, but rather I just absorb the situation as it is and let it sit and boil inside me. It’s fucking terrible. This leads to long-term resentment which I think is really bad for me. This boiling resentment just kind of rests in my body and whenever I find myself thinking of a difficult situation I’ve had to deal with in the past, I can feel it rise inside like a monster trying to break its chains.

Now I don’t want to just hop on to the other side of fence and become the person that will just instantly express their anger and forget about it, but rather I want to learn to deal with this feeling of resentment and frustration. I’ve found this side of my personality has a really big impact on my life whenever I am faced with it. I become distracted by past events which fuel my feeling of resentment. This in turn feeds my emotional state of anxiety and restless. And this goes back to distract my mind even more. It’s a vicious cycle.

One thing that I have learned lately through my mindful meditation practices is that through the many emotions and thoughts he/she has, it is not a matter of controlling such things but more of becoming aware of them and noting them. So my step of the solution is to become aware of the times I feel resentment building up inside me and taking a note of it. And I think writing it down is an excellent way for my acknowledge this. Becoming aware of such emotions, I am able to ask myself questions such as “what is causing me to feel like this?” or “is this something worth dwelling upon?”. I think they self-awareness questions can really lead me to dig down to find the roots of my feelings and eventually untangle these roots and create the image of blue skies in the mind.

It is going to be a tough journey, but I think that becoming aware of my negative traits is a great first step to fixing them.

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