So blogging is not one of my main focuses this term, but I think I will try my best to just sit here and dump out all of my thoughts of 30 minutes every sunday night. Yes I realize its monday night tonight, so there’s goes my first post. From here on out, I will try my best to write for 30 minutes every sunday night. First and foremost, this will definitely help out with my touch typing, which I just learned to do a couple of weeks ago when I was stuck at home sick from fucking around too much in Calgary. Secondly, I think it is good for me to post my thoughts out to the world, regardless of how many people out there will actually see this post. Having put a public post out on the internet really makes me accountable for all the things that I say and this post will forever be out there when it comes a time for me to reflect and look back on my own adventures through life and through its ups and downs.
Well here goes… thirty minutes of no filter, no editing and no second thoughts. I am literally right whatever comes to mind… Well actually, mostly whatever comes to mind because currently my typing sucks so my thoughts come and go a lot faster than the words actually come out on paper.
Do you ever get this gripping feeling in your chest? Is it sadness? Loneliness? I am not sure what it is but this feeling fucking sucks. By that I mean it sucks to feel like this. From a dissonant point of view I realize I will have to deal with this feeling again later on in life and that learning to deal with it now is probably good for me as it will make me prepared for it the next time it comes around… Which I hope to god won’t be for a good fucking long time.
So have you ever been so set on a decision you’ve made, talking it out with all your friends, and at the moment focusing on all the good it will do you? Now having made that decision, are you suddenly filled with regret and suddenly started for focus on all the bad things that come along with it? Well, that’s the current boat I am in right now. I know I will eventually move pass this and be happy but right now it is fucking hard to focus on the all positives that I sought out before I made the decision and feel real trapped in all the negative consequences.
I told my best friend I liked her. I mean I really liked her. It’s gotten to the point where I feel so comfortable around her that I can’t even distinguish the part in our relationship where we are just friends and the part in our relationship where its definitely gone past that point. I mean it’s gotten to the point where people who hangout with us for just one day not even think we are dating. Now to the good part, after I told her I had feeling for her, I immediately told her I had to cut her off. This isn’t going to work out. I mean I sure as hell wanted it to work out, yea we can definitely do long distance, we will put in the effort, and it won’t even be any different from what we are like. Those were the thoughts I had in my head, but now that I sit here, I realize it is rather selfish of me to think it’ll work out for just those reasons. Unlike going to the gym, maintaining a relationship is a two person job, and just because I think it could possibly work, she has to be on the same page as me too. Which she wasn’t. I am not happy about it, but I think for the sake our friendship, or any hope of a long-lasting friendship in the future, I had to agree with her.
I’ve never had a girlfriend before, which definitely does not help situation. She told me you always fuck up your first and I agree with her. Things never workout the way you want to them, and if you don’t have any experience from your past then how could possibly deal with all the curve balls life throws at you? I mean sure you can always go to friends for advice but when it comes to do it, the end is always you.
I’ve started reading the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and one of the biggest sticking points to the book is that between the action and consequence, you are the ultimate deciding factor in how you will react to it. Sure some actions will lead to negative consequences, things you didn’t want to happen, but getting mad, frustrated or even scared is something you are in total control of. This is something I am definitely going to work on in the up coming four months. With all this time to myself, I can truly sit here and become aware of all my emotions, all my thoughts and learn to observe them and watch them come and go.
In mindfulness meditation, one is told to just sit in the house and watch the storm come and go, eventually there will be clear skies. Let’s be real, life is no fun if there was only good moments. All those good moments would be like everyday moments and if something bad were to happen then all hell would break loose. So I will make an effort to watch this next storm come and go, not needing to change anything but just becoming aware of its presence. Sure this storm might last a real long time, but I know that I’ll eventually get over it.
I know that currently I have lost a really important person in my life, but I also need to remind myself that this decision that I have made will do me good. I mean who knows if this decision is the best decision possible. I sure as hell don’t, but life is all about making tough decisions. I am happy that I brought up the courage of telling Lucy I had feelings for her and I am sad that our great relationship will probably never go back to the way it was but all in all, I must learn to focus on the positive aspects in life for there are so many beautiful things out there. One quote that has been stuck in my head recently is from the show Marco Polo ” A man wishing to be unhappy will find many ways to prove his course.” Although this quote may seem negative at first but the reverse is also implied. This it serves as a reminder that life is about perspective, and there are always positive and beautiful parts of life that can be focused on rather than the negative.
Wow, it felt nice to get those thoughts out of my head. First day of work tomorrow! I am not super excited, but knowing I get to meet new people and work on my professional career does still excite me, sure I am not getting paid much relative to my other work experiences, but I also need to remind myself I will always have time to make more money and that right now, it is the experiences and the connections in life that are the most important to me. I am currently building my foundation for the rest of my life and money is definitely not part of that foundation, so this is a reminder to me to stay open-minded, engaged and positive in able to make the most out of this upcoming work experience.
Wow, 30 minutes went by rather fast!