Alright, fine tuning my life a little bit at a time. Newest tweak to my blog update is that I am going to listen to a new album of music and that will be the title of my blog. I mean title won’t relfect anything specifically in the blog post, or maybe it will… Self fullfilling prophecy right?
God I realise I still can’t really type with all 10 of my fingers. I don’t think practicing for thirty minutes a week does me any good. I can feel a bit of progress though!
Woohoo, I am 21 years old, a fully grown adult all throughout the world now. Does it feel any different? Well I feel like I now have one less year to figure out my life. That is kind of daunting, espicially compared to my friends who are already in their field of work, knowing just about what they want to do with their life and I am just sitting here hold a fucking rod everyday for work while trying to cram as many books into my mind as possible hoping I can find just a little bit of wisdom through every fiction, non-fiction and self book I read.
I just finished 1984… Jesus, I didn’t really have any exptectations going into the book, but the vuglarness, development and ending really blew my mind. I am not sure what is it about me, but I am really into dark stuff. Is that normal? Just kidding, I don’t care if it is. I think it is the more pessimistic side of me that is attracted to a dystopian, thriller dark trains of thought. We are all watching TV shows where the good guys win, but isn’t that boring? Sure you see the good guys struggle, but what if they don’t come out ontop? Imagine The Dark Knight Returns where Batman never succeeds in defeating Bain and the bomb is never flown out of Gotham. You wouldn’t have seen that one cominig would you?
Fuck I am tired, I had the most intense shrooms trip last night. I say it was intense because I don’t remember much of it. That means it had to have been intense right? Ok, it is not right to say I don’t remember, but more of it I just have these vague recollections of the events of the night. When we think back onto an event in our life, say the last time we cried, we tend to remember sounds, emotions, the scene leading up to and afterwards. So now imagine a memory, where you only have the visual aspect but no audio. The 6 hours of my shroom feel like I watched random cut scenes of a movie without the audio and without any emotional recollection of these events.
I think I had a good time? I feel pretty good. Maybe the scientists were right in treaing depression with psylocibin because I always feel really happy and have a rather positive outlook on life after each of my shroom trips. During the trips I couldn’t say the same thing. There are always moment where I get scared and overwhelmed, but at this point I am rather used to it. Yesterday was pretty nuts, I remember waiting in line to see an exihibition, but I guess the line was really long? I literally had no idea what was going on. I mean I had to keep reminding myself we were walking around to look at art exihibitions, but in all honesty, I had no idea what the art exhibitions were because anytime we stopped, where we are looking at an exihibition or just taking a break, my attention would be caught by some nearby lights or movement and I would just end up staring at it, forever questioning if I was just high as balls or actually looking at an exibition. Fuck, psychedelics is crazy.
I originally planned to have a rather quiet term this semester, telling myself I didn’t know too many people here so I would just devote my time to the gym, rock climbing and reading. However, somehow, my weekends have always ended up being rather eventfull. I am not complaining because I really enjoy being the company of other people but I think I should have devetod myself to less rock climbing and just focusing on working out then being able to have more time to dick around on the weekend. I keep telling myself to not spread myself too thin, and here I thought have three big goals to work on was enough, but I think I should really limit it down to just one or two goals next semester. I mean maybe the busing around and have to do everything by myself takes a lot more time than necessary but it is what is it so I will try and make the best of the situation.
This past work week has been complete shit. Have you ever had a great experience with something and then you go back to having just a good experience with the same event but it just seems so much shittier because of your newly developped expectations? That was me at work. Having worked with two part chiefs, Ramin and Allan, our days would end at least 2 hours before having return to the office completing more than enough work for an 8 hour day. These guys are experienced with survey and they know how to get their work done effectively and efficiently with plenty of time to spare. Now you go work with other crew chiefs who really like to take their fucking time and instead of spending thirty minutes at a site you spend 50 because your party chief needs to text his buddy or having a billion darts before he takes the next shot is really frustrating. Then it gets worse, suddenly you are working with a party chief who is not familiar with the sites, wants things to be done his way, and uses his authority over you to get it and then conducts a 20 minute survey in 60 minutes. After all that you find out that he didn’t close the loop properly and you have to go back and redo most of the points. Just fucking shoot me… Or rather, shoot him.
This is the biggest turn off for me when I think about having a career in a long standing corporation. The older the people are there, the more conservative they become in ways of doing things. This obviously isn’t true for everyone, but if you’re over 40 and you have mediocre job, this probably applies to you. Working for people like this makes me lose faith in humanity. We are fucking engineers, we are here to problem solve, to design better systems. We aren’t here to make sure things work well, we are here to make things work better. We are supposed to be progressing in the world and not just doing mindless soul sucking work. God, I don’t know how I am going to get through the rest of this term holding a fuckjng rod everyday for two and a half more months.
Yea, that’s me being frustrated and angry, on the positive side, I believe it is important in life to have shitty experiences and to have to tough them out. I mean the earlier the better right? Now I know I don’t want to survey, or at least do this type of surveying…
Let’s hope I make through the next couple weeks of work without my head exploding…